*sometimes you just need to love.*

for the worse.

im as neurotic as the next person. more so than some, less so than the mentally insane.

when i met you i was one person, and now im not that person. before i was full of hope for love, but completely insecure in myself. i was insanely jealous over many and sundry things. i knew nothing about real emotional hurt. i also had never realized how sexy i could be. i dreamed of all the things my life would be like after college, none of those dreams included this.

youve changed me. for the better in some cases. i have a confidence in myself, my sex appeal, my abilities, that i never had before. i havent felt jealous in over a year. ive been hurt by you more times than i can remember, but not because of anything you did on purpose. it was your nature to push people away, it still is. i dont feel hope about love anymore. im done hoping. for now i will wait. but you and i both know i wont wait forever. there will be a breaking point. maybe this is it right now. maybe this is just a bump in the road. no one knows.

most of the time, i feel like nothing can stop me from getting what i want, its just a matter of me setting my mind to something. when i want a different, better job, i'll go get it. when i decide im tired of waiting for you to figure out if you love me, i'll do something about it. i'll make up my mind to move. or i'll make up my mind to say goodbye and never look back.

youve made me a better, stronger person. but im going to make myself even more than that. i will wish for you to be right there beside me for this. right there as i decide to do whats best for me. instead of doing whats best for you. ive been doing that for too many months. choking down what i want to say to you, because you just dismiss what i say anyway. stifling my wants, needs, desires, because you dont want me to do anything to jeapordize my "career". or my "life". or my chance at "love" with someone else. i believed that you were my chance for love. i felt it with every bone in my body, but you doubted it. and i took my cue from you and started to doubt it too. but no longer. i take my cues from me. and my cue says, wait. be patient, it will come.

written @ 9:57 pm on 06.05.03
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