*sometimes you just need to love.*

cheating heart

so...how was my weekend? awkward.

friday nite i went over to my friend melissa's house for "sleepover" party...boys and girls. at first it was melissa, her BF jim, me, and josh (the one i adore.) then some other friends came...then they all left...and it was just us 4 again, and it was 1:00 am. so we sat around and talked, listened to music, relaxed...it was nice. and me and josh were sort of flirting...kind of stroking each others hands. about 2:30 josh decides he should prolly be heading home...melissa's like "oh please stay...i thought we were all gonna have a sleepover party and now everyones gone." (she was kinda disappointed.) now i have to interject something into the story real quick, everyone knew i have a boyfriend, eric, at that point. josh says "well my parents might be mad if they wake up tomorrow and im not there." so i say "well call and tell them." so he does. and his dad's a little pissed cause he was sleeping but its okie, he can stay. so then jim says "awesome...ill move the other mattress in next to ours so we can all wake up together."

so he does, and its just a twin mattress. then we decide that jim and melly will just sleep on their full mattress like normal, and josh and i will sleep on the twin...um...really, really close to each other.

now, we all know ive liked josh for almost 5 years...a lot. and ive never slept next to him before, and now i was going to have to be right next to him and not be able to do anything at all. a VERY hard task for me. and i knew going into it that it would be hard...especially with the hand thing that had just been going on. but we both agreed that we could sleep together on the twin...so we did.

he layed down on his back and i layed down next to him on my tummy and put my hand up on his chest and shoulder. soon he turned over on his side and put his arm around me...and then asked me to scoot up a little on the bed...and then my pajama pants were bothering me so those came off...and then i had my arm around him...and then i was stroking his cheek and he was stroking my back...and then i just leaned up and kissed his cheek...and he turned his face and kissed me full on the lips...and i about died from happiness. and we kissed numerous times after that...and it was amazing...eventually we fell asleep. when we woke up in the morning it was a little awkward because melissa and jim were right there, but he tole be to get a hold of him soon and gave me a big hug before i left.

now he knows im going out with eric...and i know this too. and even though i dont think kissing is techinically cheating...i feel like a huge cheater because of the way i felt when i kissed josh. so, tonite im calling him and talking to him about all of this. because i need to know if we're going to have a relationship, or if he wants to forget this ever happened.

if he wants a relationship, ill go down and break up with eric tonite, because im not a cheater and i feel horrible, if he wants to forget everything...then i wont tell eric and we'll just go one like nothing happened at all.

but id much rather be with josh...ive wanted him this way for so long...and now that ive had him, i dont want to let him go.

written @ 21:28:05 on 2000-09-24
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