the will to lose 5 more lbs.

i was thinking about something my teacher said this morning in my retail class. she said "it's important in today's society that we feel like we look like we fit in." as soon as she said that i immediately thought about something i had said last nite to my boyfriend. i had said that i want to be "dangerously thin." and when i said it to him, i had meant it. and i still do. i've been reading a lot of magazines lately and every time i open one up i cant wait to see the models. with their thin arms and slender legs. so toned and tanned and slender. i love this word-slender.

and so now im scared. never in my entire life have i been unhappy about my weight. ive always had little hang-ups about my body, but everyone does. so what? i always thought.

i recently lost around 10 pounds. and now i cant wait to lose 5 more. and ive realized im being much more vain now than i ever have before also. im always concerned with my hair and if i should wear make-up or not. hell, they other day i spent $100 on cosmetics. thats so not like me. i usually just pick up random things at the drugstore as i run out. i do not by "designer" make-up. until now.

i think its a combination of the "retail lifestyle", my obsession with all things fashion and style oriented, too many magazines and society.

but never fear. im not anorexic or bulimic. i like food too much and i hate throwing up.

written @ 10:15 a.m. on 2001-04-19
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