*sometimes you just need to love.*

the morning breaks, and so do i.

BoB fell apart last nite. i am very very sad now. without sara and erin there, my reasons for staying would be minimal. i can communicate with the other girls i love without bob. but still, i just loved bob. oh well.

also, i feel like what little tiny scrap of a "relationship" that i have, is falling apart. and i have no idea what i can do about anything.

i miss waking up to late nite IM's from a certain someone. little messages that he sent even though i was asleep.

the emails that ended with *hugs* or *kisses* or even the occasional "i miss you". i havent heard that in months.

maybe im just being irrational, but i feel like i could drop out of his life tomorrow and he would barely notice. its certainly not like im a huge part of it. in the last week he's barely had the time to talk to me. maybe i used up all my "time" when he was here. and now he needs alone time. whatever. i know nothing about men, especially men who are so elusive and unresponsive to everything you say.

i wish i could fall in love with normal men. i always fall for the ones i can never have. im a fool. a first class fool. to think i thought he could love me. he never will. i should have seen that months ago. right?

i dont know where i stand. on solid ground or over an earthquake waiting to shake and rattle and roll. and break my heart into a million pieces. i rather hope its not an earthquake. but some reassurance would be nice. otherwise i'll just tiptoe around for the next day, week, month, year, decade.....waiting for the other shoe to fall.

written @ 6:18 am on 26.08.02
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